J High School (is in college?!)

Hey what's up everybody? Sorry for the lack on updates, but I just got my laptop in today. Not having a computer for 3 weeks sucked beyond imagine. It felt like 3 years. I doubt I'd have the time to blog anyway, life up here is so hectic. I'm always doing something from like 9 in the morning til probably 9 at night. Luckily since today is a Wednesday I have time to play around with this sexy new laptop, cause I only have one class on Thursdays and it's at 2:30! Really though this laptop has been a lot of work. It's been a while since I've had to set up a computer all over again. Re-doing iTunes has been a bitch. I'm only like 5 or 6 CDs in with like 100 or so left, maybe more. Plus I found out that most colleges, I'm not sure but guessing that Albright included, highly frown upon downloading music, and even though I don't download a lot, I need to in order to get some of the songs I previously downloaded onto my new iTunes. Anywho, college thus far has been such a roller coaster ride. So many up and downs. I mean, I really like it here, it reminds me of home (home being PA that is) and the campus and a lot of the mountainous surroundings are gorgeous, in my opinion, and very inspiring. Dusk here, at least thus far, in this season, is one of the beautiful things I've seen in a long while. Yesterday was really shitty but I just watched as the sun set, and a blood red sky faded into the darkness. I think I could watch that every night of my life and be content. Anyway, the down side is that I don't know anyone here and finding friends has been harder than I would have anticipated. I forgot that around strangers I have a paralyzing shyness and that's made some days up here lonely. What's happening a lot which maybe isn't so surprising, but still something I really didn't expect, is I'm missing people A LOT. I'd be wouldn't be lying if I said I didn't miss my brother everyday, but I wouldn't exactly be telling the truth either. Because there honestly are some days when I just don't think about him. That certainly doesn't mean I don't miss him any less, does it? I damn sure hope not. Anyway, like I was saying I find that I'm missing my friends and family a lot. I don't think a day has gone by where I haven't thought about my mom and cousins and my brother, or even my friends back in DE. It's scary because I feel like now that college is here, a lot of people I cared about in high school don't care anymore, just cause we're separated, and it sucks cause I sometimes dwell on those thoughts. Like I have a lot of people from high school I'd like to say I'm still friends with 50 years from now, but it's entirely possible I won't be able to say that five years from now. I'm really missing people like Kenny, Joey, and Steve alot, people whom I have known a while and good foundations with. But what scares me is that aside from Sloany, Kenny, and Toby, I'm not sure how many close friends I'll keep, and that's something that can keep me up at night. On top of that, I can't seem to keep myself from thinking about Amanda up here. I think it's not so much that I still like her, but I've learned something about myself recently: it is extremely hard for me to get serious with a girl now. I've noticed that when I start getting feelings now, I can't quite show that trust, so I back away, and the only successful interactions I can see myself having with girls up here, are shallow, meaningless existences where no feelings are really brought up, because if they are I'll either refuse to give her the chance, or the more likely option, I'll go all in and lose another round, making the fall that much further. Another thing I've realized, well for some time actually, which I hate, is that I can't just be friends with Amanda, not so long as I like her, so as much as I wanna call her and say sorry for all this wasted time, let's not have that ever again, I can't, cause I'll fall for her again in two seconds. So I avoid her. I avoid her in the hopes that with passing time my feelings will fade and we can just have a normal, healthy friendship. But they never do and I'm left here with nothing I can do about it but wait it out some more. I cross my fingers in the hope that this negativity will pass and that my bleak outlook on the future of my friendships, and possible relationships here aren't to come true. I know it's within me to change these outcomes but I simply don't know where to start, or how to for that matter. Any suggestions? Til next time,
- Jimmy.

Weening Off Friends

It's the strangest thing. In 1 month and 2 days, I leave the only thing I've known for the last....let's say 8 years. Delaware. Eww, right? A place I couldn't wait to leave from the moment I got here. And now as I prepare to take my next step in life, I noticed that I'm doing something that many have done before me, maybe without even giving it a second thought or realizing they were doing it. I'm weening off friends. And I just realized how little sense it makes. I guess I never noticed it because this is the way it's supposed to be? I mean, I figured, you graduate high school and some stay, some go, and that's the way it is. And I don't know if maybe it's cause I have shitty friends, or just cause we've been programmed to think that if someone is leaving for school, that's the end of the friendship? I'm moving to Reading, Pennsylvania to attend school at Albright College and it's only 1:30-2 hours away. There's no discernible reason why I shouldn't be able to stay in touch with most of the people I already do, but it seems like I'm going to be cut out of almost everybody's life and it sucks. Fast forward to August 20. I've really gotta get better at finishing these in a timely manner. But I suppose for a post like this it works well, this topic I mean. I leave in 3 days and I've recently gotten to say a lot of goodbyes which has been great, emotional, but great, and I'm feeling confident that I can maintain more friendships than I thought when I started writing this nearly a month ago. But this new hope is really only making me feel more naive. I doubt I'll talk to Ed or Rabi much anymore. Or the Whitesides. I mean these people weren't really close friends but it still sucks. I got to hang out with Caymen and Joey the other day and I had a blast but I also got the feeling I won't stay close with them. I doubt I'll see much of, or even talk much to, several people I was close to including Becca, Kelly, Dan, Austin, Steve, and Amanda, even though Amanda's a different story completely. I was left behind by her a long time ago, I just didn't really know it. As of right now I feel like I'm only leaving with 3 good friends, Kenny, Toby, and Kyle, and I don't see Kyle much now as it is. I don't know if it's as serious as trust issues, or just apathy, (which actually is pretty serious in my case as well), but I feel like I could remain friends with all these people if I just call every now and again to say hi or whatever, but it's my fear that they won't care or the bigger fact that I don't think any of these people I listed would call me first. I feel like if I never called any of these people again, they wouldn't think to call me either, that's a pretty abandoned feeling. It comes back to the fact that for as long as I've been friends with someone, I've always had to initiate it and keep it going, and I guess I've become embittered because I can't remember the last person I've really cared about who I hadn't talked to in awhile who contacted me to see me or ask how I was. I guess it's silly or whatever, but I hate continuing to be the one who's responsible to save the friendship. It would ensure that it's alive and well, but it would continue me feeling like they never gave a shit, and is that someone I still want to talk to? This point of view has kept me from getting too close to anyone since Junior year and it is still going. It's ruined friendships and now that I'm leaving it seems as though it will undoubtedly ruin more. Don't become like me and leave behind what's so very important. Sincerely, James Dempsey.

A Child's Eyes

When's the last time you looked at a child's eyes? An odd question I know, but really think about it. What is it that's so different between the eyes of a 4 year old and a 44 year old? Is it simply age? No. I submit to you that it is the experience of being witness to so many horrible sights and injustices in the course of our lives. It is not that we are embittered, no, I guess you could just say we know better, but that wouldn't be true either. Is it that children are hidden from the horrors of the world? Maybe. But the fact is I have still seen dying children with a smile on their face and a glimmer in their eye. Surely you can not tell me that these children do not know of pain, suffering, and injustice. What is it that changes as we mature that causes us to fear, mistrust, and throw up our defenses? I'm not suggesting that all children have the eyes of hope, as is the case that some adults do still carry the torch of hope in their eyes. Indeed, some children have lived lives that bring upon far too much pain and hardship, but how is it that most children do carry this glint in their eyes, a spark of hope if you will? Even if the reason children hold our hopes is because they don't know of the terrors of the world, why is it when we learn about them do we automatically become the victim of a most arresting grip of fear? I realized this sad observation a few weeks ago and it truly is disheartening to me. I guess it's not just the terrors of the world, but the stresses brought on by the increasing responsibilities we are burdened with as we age. We lose our carefree nature and worry to the point where we can't even see the simplistic joys of life. Maybe that's it. The loss of the spark is our becoming blind to goodness altogether. It's such a rare and uplifting occurrence to see people who haven't lost their glimmer. Please don't lose yours. Remember that there's more to life than money, bills, quotas, standards, and the responsibilities others put upon you. Just also make sure that your responsibilities are met, like entertaining your inner child. I guess these might be interpreted as the ramblings of a stupid kid, that as I grow old I'll realize this isn't feasible, and that my theory is but the aspiration of a daydream. I say to them, "You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one." - John Lennon.

New Poetry

Resurrection:
I see the knife in your hand
But what's your plan?
Do you even know?
Did you think this through?
I admit
Life would be tougher, without you
You say where's the proof?
You wanna know the truth?
I love you
I need you
And I always will
So step back
Step down
And just stay still
Just think for a minute
About what you're gonna do
Did you think about yourself
And the ones you mean the most to?
What you're thinking about doing
Is a selfish act
That's a fact
So take a step back
Breathe in
Breathe out
Do it again
You say you've lost everything
But not this friend
So put down that knife
This isn't the end
I won't say it again
Put down the knife
Cause you've been given a new life
3/12/07

A Muted Heart:
Mute words fall on deaf ears
But if I had it my way
I would tell you all my fears
I would do it tonight
About the way I've felt all these years
I wanna tell you now
So I can get this off my chest
But when I told you before
It only gave me stress
I could tell you didn't care
That you were never really there
I was looking for bliss
But I ended with this
Nothingness
As I was locked in my cell
I watched things go to hell
Alone now, plain to see
I guess this is the way things are supposed to be
That you're not supposed to know how I feel
So things stay on an even keel
Are you my friend, or are you my foe?
I guess I'm not supposed to know
And now it's time to let this go
So I can keep the status quo
3/12/07

A Day Late:
Things will never change
They're the way they are and always will be
Things have never changed
Take a look back and see
Just give it a chance to be
It's too bad there's no trust in you, or in me
If it was meant to be fate
I wouldn't have been a day late
3/21/07

Untitled:
I took that first step today
And told you what I had to say
But as I told you how I felt inside
I could tell that all hope had died
A silent love
Unknown to you
Not knowing what to do
The emptiness I feel
And wondering if this is real
Fear of a falling out
Fears that cloud my head with doubt
I can't understand why
You won't just give this a try
I guess we're just meant to be friends
That there's no fairytale end
But I can dream
And I can pretend
3/28/07

Beauty:
A train passing through cries out its call
The leaves are changing from the summer to the fall
It's a beautiful time of year
It's still warm out
There's not a cloud in the sky
And there's colors all about
I walk alone this eve
As I stare at the changes in the trees
It's just around midnight
But I can still see all the pretty sights
Alone on this hill
Not a thought on my mind
As I bathe in the moonlight
And let myself unwind
3/28/07

My Hollywood Life:
I wanna live in the movies
For life to have a Hollywood ending
Where the misfit and the beauty share a kiss
By the sunset
On a beautiful beach
That I'll never see
I wanna live in a rock and roll love song
Where nothing ever goes wrong
A place where I can relate
Where someone understands
Where the losers always win
Again and again
Where the beauty and the geek never end up just being friends
I wish I could live in a romance novel
The one that I wrote
Where the nice guy sweeps the goddess off her feet
With a beautiful quote
I wanna live in fiction
A life with no restrictions
No boundaries or conditions
Just me and the girl I don't deserve
3/30/07



- Hope y'all like em! -

A Serious Mistake

Why is it whenever something is going good for me, whether I control it or not, something always goes wrong for me. This isn't coincidence, or cases of luck, it's more like a curse. Most times it's out of my hands, but you'd think when I could avoid screwing myself over I would, but I guess I'm just not that smart. I knew I shouldn't have even have brought this up to Amanda, but stupid as I am I did, and not only did I tell her I liked her, I really poured my heart out. I told her everything. The things I only dreamed I'd say. I really wish if I did have a guardian angel, he'd have been there to smack me over the head as I was saying this. God, I'm so stupid. Twice I've done this, twice! Jesus, you think I would have learned my lesson the first time but no. Now everything is fucked up again. I'd really like to not be bitter and continue on like nothing happened, but I'm not made like that, but I feel like if I don't let this go, that will only make things worse, but by the same token, why should I have to feel like I need to let this go? I have every right to be upset, even if it's not at her. She did what she had to and that's understandable but when I talked to her I kept getting two sides of the stories, which means one was a lie. And she seemed pretty damn certain she didn't wanna be with me today, and if you already know that, then there's really nothing to think about, is there? I mean, you know when you like someone, and you know when you don't, so I don't understand why she took three days to tell me she didn't like me if it was something she already knew. And I'd really love to tell her all this but when ever I tell her how I feel, it always ends up for the worst, so why would this time be any different? And I already know I'll stop talking to her, and I'll just sulk and be quiet around her, cause I have no right to be mad at her for not liking me, but still, I mean, I ain't gonna run up to her tomorrow like I'm her best fuckin friend. And if that's what she expects, she's got another thing coming, cause that whole great friendship we had, that she was banking so much on, well now that's gone and square one doesn't even exist. So now one of two things will happen. One, she'll ignore me back; or two, she'll treat me like a pity case like she did tonight, and be like oh, I didn't wanna hurt you, I feel the same pain as you...bullshit! I donno, I just can't see this working out well at all. And I feel like if anyone who knew this situation were to read this, they'd probably think I was crazy, going so nuts over a girl I never had and never will have, but this just further goes to show that really no one understands me at that school, not even the one person I thought who did. What a surprise, I was wrong again. Wrong like always. These stupid fuckin things never change for me. I'm sick of being a loser, and already knowing the outcome of what will happen to me every time, cause it always has been, and seemingly always will be, a loss. In school, with girls, in sports, in my own family, and in life in general. In the words of Funeral for a Friend, "I'm sick, and I'm tired, of always being the good guy." Good guys finish last and I'm a perfect example of that and I don't wanna be anymore. God, I really feel like this is the straw that broke the camel's back, else I wouldn't be saying all this. The name of my blog is An Inner Truth Revealed, and that's all I'm doing right now; I'm being truthful to myself and to anyone who may ever read this. As I'm writing this I feel like, like I'm making too much of this, that I'm being a baby, but I mean is that really what it is to have feelings and then be let down by them? I hate how I'm expected to carry this alpha male ego and demeanor all the time. That's not who I am and it never has been, yet people think that every guy is supposed to be like that, same as women being expected to be perfectly dainty and feminine. That's a stupid stereotype too. I sorta feel bad for her. If she's as bad at relationships as she claims, she'll probably end up dating a bunch of assholes again, realizing it was stupid way too late. I hope not even though I really shouldn't care. Man, this really was a pick-me-up writing this. I feel like I've gotten so much off my chest just now. As for Amanda, we'll just wait and see what happens.

"Say Hello To Haggard"

What's up everybody. It's Sunday, March 11, and I'm really not feelin' this whole losing an hour thing. I guess that's partly to do with me being so beat. Friday was a tough practice, and most of the time I was at Amanda's I was lying down and like groaning, or something. Anywho, Saturday was I guess a chill practice, I don't remember too well. I'm pretty sure I can safely say that all practices are pretty tough on me, what with the whole being out of shape thing. Saturday night was grrrrrreat though. (Sorry for the whole Tony the Tiger thing.) Me and Marc went to the "Say Hello To Haggard" tour and it was one of the best shows I've been to in a while. It was at this small place here in Delaware called the Harmony Grange, and I really liked it, despite hearing not one good comment about it previously. It was small and quaint, and very chill and relaxing. A really nice place to listen to music. And I loved the fact I didn't have to drive up to Philly to see a band I liked! (It's sad but that is so exciting for me, cause I'm ALWAYS the fuckin driver.) The crowd was amazingly small, probably not even 100 people. But I loved it. It wasn't like most concerts where you sweat balls and you have no room to move. As soon as I got in I picked up a new Classic Crime shirt. I felt so dumb, cause I usually know my bands pretty well, but I didn't even realize that the guy who sold me the shirt was The Classic Crime's guitarist Justin. He was really down to Earth and cool to talk to. I just wish I'd realized it earlier, cause the whole time I was talking to him we were talking about the band and how great they are and then he's just like "oh yeah, I'm in the band by the way." And I'm like ah jeez! I feel like such an idiot now. But he was totally cool about it and we kept talking a little while longer, and after their set too! So as for the actual concert, the first band on was a local band called "Stranded on Third" and even though I get a little irritated seeing bands I really don't want to, they were pretty good, so much so I would have bought a CD only I was broke. Next on was Sullivan, the worst band of the night, mainly cause I couldn't hear what the fuck the singer was saying. Also, he reminded me of a character out of Dr. Seuss, it's hard to explain other than that, you had to have seen it. Also, the singer was just weird. Half way through the first song, he took my UD hat and wore it for the rest of the song. I was nervous I wouldn't get it back. And through the rest of the set he kept grabbing this one girl's head. Not making this up. So quietdrive was on next and they were pretty good too. Marc even bought their CD. It was sweet cause they closed with "Rise from the Ashes" and I love that song and it was pretty good live. Next was The Classic Crime. Oh...my...god!!! This was my third time seeing them and it blew the other two times right out of the water. SOOO good. And during the song "Say the Word" the lead singer Matt pointed me out as I was singing and pointing back at him and I was like OMG ME?!?!?! I get so giddy around the bands I like. Afterwards I talked to the guys and Matt was like "You were my guy out there" since I knew all the words. I'm such a loser I probably blushed. I wish I knew they were hanging out afterwards. I woulda brought my camera or my CD to get signed. But they were still cool. I talked to Matt about how cool I thought it was for the work he's done in India and he was surprised I even knew or cared. Last up was A Change of Pace, who I wasn't expecting much of but were really x 10 good. The songs "I'm Alive" and "War in your Bedroom" were especially good and their light show was sick. The singer was really talented too. He had such a wide range, he had great screaming parts, and he could also hit the soft notes. I was so mad that I couldn't buy one of their CDs but I only had a dollar on me and Marc didn't have enough so I left with just the memory of a great set by them fresh in my mind. Oh well. All in all it was a great concert and a great night. Peace.

The End of an Era?

It's Tuesday, March 2nd, and I'm here in Psych class. Well, we're in the computer lab now and we just took an IQ test. I got a 125, which I'm pretty happy with. Anyway, lacrosse started yesterday and it was so intense. I'm questioning whether or not I can make it through the season. Chuck started freaking out yesterday when I practically keeled over, not being able to breathe. But it's something I wanna stick with. I don't like quitters and I don't wanna be one. Jump ahead now to March 7th. Wow, I've taken a lot of time in between this. In my defense, I have been rather busy. Lacrosse is in full effect, and it seems to be a lot harder than last year. I swear it feels like my coaches hate me. They're so obsessed with how fit a person is, which is important I know, but they don't even really care how well a person can play the sport. I feel I've grown a lot in the sport, in all areas, and I feel like they haven't noticed at all. Oh well. It's only like a week in and I have plenty of time to get into better shape and work harder, basically do all those little things I have to do to get their attention. Things are hectic at the house and I have like no free time. It all goes towards homework, or if I'm lucky, sleep. Also, it feels like, for the first time really, high school is coming to an end. Classes are growing meaningless, I don't care to do assignments, and I feel like friendships are coming to an end. This sucks. It's weird but a part of me REALLY wants to burn all my bridges, and start completely fresh somewhere else, like a whole new life. It's a bit of a scary thought, but I'm not even sure I've ruled it out yet. It's now Friday the 9th and I just got back from Amanda's. I can't shake this feeling like things aren't the same between us and they never will be again. I'd like to tell myself it's all in my head, but when I feel it weighing down on my chest like an anvil on a daily basis, well how can I be that naive? It's clear that things are different now and I hate that. I hate how I have this inability to change things, or make a move into a different direction. Sometimes, I feel like I haven't grown at all in my 4 years of high school. This is so stupid and frustrating. I know I should just talk to her about all this, but I can't. It's such a burden to carry but I guess I have to? I don't even know anymore. I only hope that this somehow all works out for the best and things can be...good, and normal, and regular, and all these basic things I can't even remember anymore. Is that so much to ask for? I got accepted into Albright College yesterday and Salisbury University today...wanted to make sure to squeeze that in lol. But maybe one of these places can be somewhere to start over anew. Peace and love.