J High School (is in college?!)

Hey what's up everybody? Sorry for the lack on updates, but I just got my laptop in today. Not having a computer for 3 weeks sucked beyond imagine. It felt like 3 years. I doubt I'd have the time to blog anyway, life up here is so hectic. I'm always doing something from like 9 in the morning til probably 9 at night. Luckily since today is a Wednesday I have time to play around with this sexy new laptop, cause I only have one class on Thursdays and it's at 2:30! Really though this laptop has been a lot of work. It's been a while since I've had to set up a computer all over again. Re-doing iTunes has been a bitch. I'm only like 5 or 6 CDs in with like 100 or so left, maybe more. Plus I found out that most colleges, I'm not sure but guessing that Albright included, highly frown upon downloading music, and even though I don't download a lot, I need to in order to get some of the songs I previously downloaded onto my new iTunes. Anywho, college thus far has been such a roller coaster ride. So many up and downs. I mean, I really like it here, it reminds me of home (home being PA that is) and the campus and a lot of the mountainous surroundings are gorgeous, in my opinion, and very inspiring. Dusk here, at least thus far, in this season, is one of the beautiful things I've seen in a long while. Yesterday was really shitty but I just watched as the sun set, and a blood red sky faded into the darkness. I think I could watch that every night of my life and be content. Anyway, the down side is that I don't know anyone here and finding friends has been harder than I would have anticipated. I forgot that around strangers I have a paralyzing shyness and that's made some days up here lonely. What's happening a lot which maybe isn't so surprising, but still something I really didn't expect, is I'm missing people A LOT. I'd be wouldn't be lying if I said I didn't miss my brother everyday, but I wouldn't exactly be telling the truth either. Because there honestly are some days when I just don't think about him. That certainly doesn't mean I don't miss him any less, does it? I damn sure hope not. Anyway, like I was saying I find that I'm missing my friends and family a lot. I don't think a day has gone by where I haven't thought about my mom and cousins and my brother, or even my friends back in DE. It's scary because I feel like now that college is here, a lot of people I cared about in high school don't care anymore, just cause we're separated, and it sucks cause I sometimes dwell on those thoughts. Like I have a lot of people from high school I'd like to say I'm still friends with 50 years from now, but it's entirely possible I won't be able to say that five years from now. I'm really missing people like Kenny, Joey, and Steve alot, people whom I have known a while and good foundations with. But what scares me is that aside from Sloany, Kenny, and Toby, I'm not sure how many close friends I'll keep, and that's something that can keep me up at night. On top of that, I can't seem to keep myself from thinking about Amanda up here. I think it's not so much that I still like her, but I've learned something about myself recently: it is extremely hard for me to get serious with a girl now. I've noticed that when I start getting feelings now, I can't quite show that trust, so I back away, and the only successful interactions I can see myself having with girls up here, are shallow, meaningless existences where no feelings are really brought up, because if they are I'll either refuse to give her the chance, or the more likely option, I'll go all in and lose another round, making the fall that much further. Another thing I've realized, well for some time actually, which I hate, is that I can't just be friends with Amanda, not so long as I like her, so as much as I wanna call her and say sorry for all this wasted time, let's not have that ever again, I can't, cause I'll fall for her again in two seconds. So I avoid her. I avoid her in the hopes that with passing time my feelings will fade and we can just have a normal, healthy friendship. But they never do and I'm left here with nothing I can do about it but wait it out some more. I cross my fingers in the hope that this negativity will pass and that my bleak outlook on the future of my friendships, and possible relationships here aren't to come true. I know it's within me to change these outcomes but I simply don't know where to start, or how to for that matter. Any suggestions? Til next time,
- Jimmy.