I'm Just A Man

Although I hate doing this, I am going to start a new blog before finishing one I previously started. It was started ages ago anyway and seems like it will never be completed. Besides, I NEVER get the inspiration to write anymore and I do now so I figured I'd probably better seize it. Who knows when it will come again? I've decided to entitle this piece "I'm Just A Man" for two main reasons. Firstly, the title is inspired by (aka stolen) a song by The Classic Crime with the same name, and secondly because as I was singing the song a cappella to myself just a little bit ago and looking at the "Faces of Albright"(a program on Albright's website showcasing our 'best and brightest' I guess you could say; really it's more or less our more active student body) and I had this kind of paranormal thought, an epiphanic realization of sorts. I was looking at the student's blogs and info and reading these dreams and hopes and career plans, and I just kinda froze thinking to myself, "wow, look at how much is expected of us....look how much WE expect of us." We go through life with so much responsibility and ambition and as I was looking over these pedigrees it just dawned on me how it seems like most of us, and by most I mean nearly every single one of us, will always have to keep pushing forward, always have to answer to someone higher, always have to take on a new and more urgent and important responsibility and so on. I was reading these, mostly skimming really, just looking at the few word question and answers and catching a word or two in a paragraph but I realized that I think only one person of the maybe five or six people I looked at put that that they wanted to be happy in their future dreams or whatever it was. Actually, I think it may have even been my friend Brian Benusa. I was so happy when I saw that. Of the several faces I looked at, only one person cared enough about happiness in their future to write it down. Outstanding. I was so humbled by that though. Humbleness is my favorite quality in a person. When I'm around humble people, I feel humble myself, which is in turn a humbling feeling, no pun intend. Anyway, knowing myself, if I was asked a simple question like that, I'd probably give a simple answer, without even really thinking much about it. I'd probably talk about a job, a family, and money, but it's entirely possible happiness would be left out. I thought it was great that in this work-a-day world someone could still remember that whatever it is that they are doing in their future, even if life takes its twists and turns(which it will), that even if the best laid plans of mice and men do go a wry, that happiness still matters. Not your dream job or all the money in the world, but the humbleness of happiness. Anyway, I just went back to the Albright Faces page: of the 16 people I looked at, only two wrote happiness in their career goals, Brian Benusa and Christina Reimer. Now, before I go on, I don't want it to seem like I'm knocking these people at all, because that certainly isn't the case. As I said before, I probably wouldn't put happiness either. It was simply an observation I made. But moving on from that. Back to the whole "Just A Man" theme I was trying to follow but pretty much didn't at all. This has thus far just been ranting. I usually blog with an idea or format in mind, but this was just venting, so to speak. It's just when I was thinking to myself earlier, I realized that there is so much asked of us, despite how easy living in a country and society that is built like ours is, we never really seem to just simply be able to slow things down. I mean...I feel like, very helpless...and vulnerable a lot. Like there's so much I have to do but only so much that I can do, or that there are simply things I just can't do. I often feel like there is so much more expected of me than I will ever be able to reach. Is it okay if I don't reach all these expectations? Is it acceptable to just be myself, do the best I can and hope in the end that I am happy. That I'm happy with others. Others are happy for me. And I am happy for and with myself. Because I'm getting older, in a way, I am receiving increasing responsibilities and it seems like there is always going to be far more than I can handle. I think that is often the case for most of us. We are called upon to do more than we can and have to sacrifice more than we'd like to. I'm not sure what this was intended to mean, and I realize that this may even sound a bit naive, like I'm just realizing life is tough or something, but my meaning, which seems to elude me, is much more than that. I guess you could say that, for most people, our best case scenarios, hypothetically, would be to always have something to do. Always be busy, always be working. Most people would value constant ambition and I guess I'm commenting on how trapping that seems to me. This society, at least most of us in it, would look down upon someone who isn't employed, isn't "contributing to society", isn't doing more for someone else, and essentially not focusing on themselves or their happiness. Truly blessed are those who love what they do, but rare are people who love what they do and earn a decent living by it. Yet those who are happy with what they do, if they aren't "reaching their full potential", or are content with being minimalistic, are sen as lazy and even weak-willed. I guess I just feel that it's a shame that collectively we will value a cold hearted businessperson as better than a humble free thinker who works as a librarian, for example. I envy those above all else who are just happy with who they are and what they have. I'm not one of those people yet, but I strive to be like that more and more each day. I guess the best way to end this monologue, which is why I started it would be with a question, or maybe several: What happenes if I never meet my goals? What if I don't become a huge success? Is it okay to try your best even if the result is failure? Can I ever be as accepted for my efforts as for my achievements? Will I ever be able to meet others' expectations? Or even my own? What if I just do what I can and try my hardest to just be myself? Is it okay to be just a man? After all, I'm just a man.

"New" Poetry

Hey there anxious readers! Sorry, sometimes in order to motivate myself to write these blogs I have to convince myself someone other than me cares. As you can tell by how rarely I write them, it's often tough to do. Anyway, over break a friend of mine IMed me and told me how much she enjoyed the first set of poems she had read on my blog and that really meant a lot to me so I felt obligated, but more so compelled, to write new poems. After a few days of nothing but a bunch of balled up papers with scribble on them and a side of frustration, I decided to look and see if I could find any old poems. Luckily, as a good writer, or maybe I should say a smart writer, seeing as how I don't think I'm that good, anyway, as a smart writer does, I made sure to save a damn good amount of them. Now back then I didn't have notebooks entirely set aside for poetry as I do now, so a lot of what was in there was random thoughts, quotes, lyrics, whatever. But after weeding through and revising some, trying not to mess with them too much cause I like to think that poetry should express exactly how you felt at the moment when you wrote it, I've compiled a few I like a bit and think you guys will as well. The reason I titled this "new" poetry is because I think the most recent of these, is from like late 2006, but that's only one poem. These are mainly from 2005, sophomore year, just after my brother Jason died and Bethany and I broke up. So keep these things in mind as you read them. I'll stop talking now. And as always, I hope you guys like them!

Just So You Know (for Jason)

This is the day when the angels cry
Everyone in the room is asking why
Only twenty two and taken away
"It makes no sense" I heard them say

Today is truly a tragedy
One that is line with hidden beauty
I pray that we all can see
Jason's peace and serenity

I know he's at peace now
But when he's away from those who love him
I can only wonder how

I remember when I first heard the news
And I cried and screamed out loud
But I knew all was okay
When the very next day
A ray of sunlight broke through the clouds
I knew it was you
Smiling down at me
Saying take care of mom
That's how he'd want it to be

I want him to know that we all miss him dearly
And that I loved him sincerely
I want him to know how much I cared
Your loss to me is more than I can bare
I want you to know
I wish I was there more
And not complaining when mom had to go to the store
I wish you knew how much you meant to me
It's far more than anyone could see
I want you to know that to me you were a dad
And to lose you is to lose all I ever had
But I know that now you wouldn't want us to be sad
But to rejoice
I pray you hear my voice
So that one day
When I understand why
I can stand beside you
And look down from the sky

4/10/05

A Mid-Summer Night's Dream

Please, I need someone to grab my hand
Before I fall back through the sand
So don't hang up the phone
Don't leave me here alone
Cause I need you by my side
From now until the day I die
Through all the lows and all the highs
Without ever saying goodbye
And I'll never have to
Miss the chance to say I Love You
When we are together
From now til forever

7/12/05

Giving Up

He struggles internally
He knows it's not purposely
A daily anxiety
That's fuckin with his life
His wife
Concerned about the way he acts
His train is running off the tracks
She knows that this is a fact
She tries to talk to him
But he turns his back
The way the world did to him
He screams!
His dreams!
All faded away
His pain!
His shame!
He just wants to end this game
Everyday it gets worse
This curse
But he'll soon be in a hearse
Then a sound
So profound
A bullet to the head
Now he's under the ground
But as they mourn
He's reborn
To a heavenly light
The unrelenting fight
Is now out of sight
And with the day gone and went
He is now content
Near and far
With his place in the stars

7/13/05

I'm Sorry

The eternal question why
Pollutes the brain
A permanent stain
On your everyday life
Look towards strife
Look towards the knife
You don't know what to do
Too confused to react
Or cause an attraction
There's no satisfaction
For coming in last
A look to the past
Too painful to stare
Even worse when you glare
But as I glance
And I see my chance
Gone, faded away
This is what I live with
Every single day
Knowing that things could be different
If I didn't act that way
So I just wanted to say
That I'm sorry
For the things I did
And did not do
For fucking things up
And blaming it on you
For saying you weren't there
And that you didn't care
So please excuse me if I stare
As I sit here in my chair
And wish I was still there
Cause at times it is just too hard to bare
For all the times I got angry
When you didn't say you love me
I only needed perfection
And for that I'm sorry

Written roughly around 9/13/05

A Voiceless Cry

Another long night
Of sleepless rest
Constantly distressed
Wondering what's next
A voiceless cry
Echoes through the town
But did anyone hear it?
Did it even make a sound?
A midnight train
Storms through the streets
And as the clock strikes twelve
The people rise to their feet
The town comes alive
While others still sleep
"This is our time to fight
These are our rights to keep"
A lonely empire
Shaken to its core
And as the people push forth
They scream "No more!"
"No more oppression
And no more hate
This is our night to live
No longer will we wait!"
And so it's told
That the people did prevail
They seized the night
They did not fail
And as the people triumphed
Beaming with glory
It did bring to an end
This most heroic story

5/3/06

Dream On

Another day passed
And I didn't say a word
Another chance gone
If only she had heard
I know I wanted to tell her
But I wasn't all that sure
This illness that resides in me
Is there any cure?
I guess there's no way to know
I'm running out of time
And places to go
Every night as I ly in bed
Every single thought I have races through my head
Depriving me of sleep
Taking away my dreams
That should be mine to keep
As I lay awake at night
I know every inch of my ceiling by heart
It tears me apart
I stare at the windows
Watching the sun shine in
Is there no end?
Another night of sleep is lost
What's the cost?
When I go to bed at night
My mind is too filled with all my worries
All my anxieties
All my priorities
The questions fill my head
Give me cause for dread
I think of ones before me
And ones long gone
And as I lay down at night
I wish to dream on

5/4/06

You

I'll be your best friend
Stay with you til the end
I'll die for you
And I'll cry with you
I'll laugh with you
I'll carry you
I'll pick you up
When you are down
I'll run away with you
Away from this town
I'll take chances with you
I'll dance with you
I'll pick up the phone
When you're all alone
And I'll tell you I'm there for you
I'll care for you
I'll share with you
I'll spend those rainy nights with you
I'll talk with you
And I'll walk with you
I'll always let you know
That I'm in love with you
I'll ly with you
I'll sigh with you
I'll ride with you
And I'll drive for you
I'll stay up late for you
And I will wait for you
I'll hold you
And I'll grow old with you
I'll sit with you
I won't ever quit on you
I wouldn't say a word
And I wouldn't mind at all
If I could do these things with you

5/5/06

Continuity

You said you left your phone behind
So that you could pick it up another time
Could you please be so kind
And just get out of my life
All you do is pain me
Drain me
And that's not all
You use me
Confuse me
And cut holes right through me
I just don't know why you put up these walls
Just return the fucking calls
Pick up the phone
And relieve your heart of stone

7/26/06

Leaving You

Don't tell me what I already know
Don't turn around and go
When everything's in the air
I just want to know you care
And that you'll be there
Even though you weren't before
When you left me behind
You must have covered my eyes
Cause I swear I was blind
I couldn't believe you
Leaving me alone
Never picking up the phone
As I sat at home
Now as things appeared to be alright
You leave again
Into the dark of the night
Once again out of sight
I wanna be with you
But you're making it a fight
And just as this ends
It starts up again
The distance
The silence
The longing for you
But you care not for me
And this is clearly seen as true
I need you no longer
Throughout I grew stronger
And now I depart
Feeling as though I've wronged her

7/29/06

5 A.M. Requiem

A calming breeze
That whistles through the trees
Passes over the town
But as the people sleep sound
A boy lies awake
His bed offers nothing
Night in and night out
He continues his suffering
It's a girl on his mind
Time after time
He makes himself think
His eyes so focused
He can't even blink
The walls are closing in
He's lost his only friend
What he thought was the beginning
Now looks to be the end
Again

8/4/06

Hope you guys like them. More coming soon!