Ask Yourself

I decided to entitle this post "Ask Yourself" because besides the fact that I couldn't think of a better title, it was the message Anberlin's lead singer Stephen Christian wrote in my "Cities" lyric book. I'm not entirely sure what he meant by it, but as I saw it again today, I figured it really is something we should all do from time to time. Ask ourselves the questions that apply to where we are in life, that maybe we feel we need answered, or the ones we've just been too downright scared to ask oueselves before. I'm at a crossroads in my life for the first time since before I can honestly remember. Maybe for the first time since my brother passed? I can't say for sure. But March is two days away and high school is rapidly dwindling. With future's becoming more clear, school growing less important by the day, and for me, with lacrosse starting, Thursday could very well be the beginning of the end of an era. Weird. Anyway, back to being at a crossroads. Lacrosse is starting, high school is ending, and college will be here before I know it. And I have one question that I'm really thinking hard about, and oddly enough, it should be a question where the answer shouldn't require much thinking, but I ask myself "How do I feel about all this?" Sometimes I tend to under appreciate things and really all I've thought about since like sophomore year is "When am I getting out of here?" Sophomore year was rough. And now that day is staring me in the face and I don't even know how to feel about it. I keep worrying that I'm gonna go to college realizing high school wasn't so bad and worse than that, that I didn't do anything with my time there. I feel like I've burned some bridges with people that I didn't want to or mean to, and I'm feeling alone as ever, at least right now I am. Trust is so important. I've lost that in others and it shows, even though I just realized it. I worry that when I get to college I will have missed opportunities that I can't get back. I have this feeling, there's this one thing I want to do before high school is over, and I feel like if I don't do it I'll regret it forever. I attempted it once, and it fucked so many things up, which is why I'm so hesitant to try it again, but I don't know if I can carry this "What if" feeling with me for forever. Again my fear of trust comes up again. I don't have a lot of people I keep close with and I ask myself, "Should I put my trust in these people to keep up with me after high school?" I have some friendships I really don't want to lose, like with Amanda, Toby, and Kenny mainly, and others I'd like to build on, like with Joey, Chelsea, and even Becca. She's always cheered me up. Then there's people like Steve and Dan. People who were my best friends and yet I barely talk to anymore. I guess these things happen a lot but then I ask myself "Why do they have to?" I always feel like when it comes to any type of relationship whether it's with your boyfriend/girlfriend, friend, or family, if the relationship is really worth a damn, one person will stand up for it. I've become afraid to do that because I've learned from past experiences that doesn't always work, cause maybe the other person really didn't care and in turn, I've become too scared, or too stubborn to stick up for the right ones. If anyone ever reads this, they'll know who they are. I guess all I can do is wait and see. Sometimes when it comes to relationships, more often than not in my opinion, you have to just step back and see where it will take you. I do believe that the things that are meant to be happen for a reason, not on coincidence. Hopefully all will work out for the best. Wow it's late. I better wrap this up. Later.

Last Night

Well, its 2:51 p.m. and I've just woken up. I don't really care though because I don't really have anything to do today and I woke up to the beautiful sight of snow falling. I love to watch the snow fall, its so peaceful and calming. Anyway, I'm here to write about yesterday. I planned to write about it yesterday but I got home at like 1:30 and didn't sleep til like 3. Yesterday was pretty great, but I still thought it'd be better. (I'm starting to realize I'm becoming a malcontent towards a lot of things and I'm not liking that change.) Anyway, yesterday started off with me and my friend Toby going to the University of Delaware's men's lacrosse game against the Manhattan Jaspers. (what a name) Anyway, we left at halftime cause it was SO cold and they were winning 13-1! The final score was 20-5 if you were curious. Anyway, we went back to my house and watched some episodes of Scrubs, then picked up my friend Kyle, and we were off to get my cousin Chris. We got him, and actually spent a bit of time at his place with him and my Uncle, who I refer to as Tha Fab. Ok, so now we're off to South Street and the TLA. We had to get there at 5:45 because we were gonna be able to meet Anberlin. So it's like 5:50 on South Street and I can't find a parking spot to save my life so I just pull into the first one I see. So I show up at the TLA at like 5:50 and I'm thinking I missed meeting anberlin so I'm stressing. Turns out we were like tenth in line and they didn't let us in til like 6:20. So I'm an idiot. But finally getting to meet anberlin was so worth it. The lead singer Stephen was definitely the nicest famous person I'd met, he didn't just sign my lyric book, he actually talked to me. I only wish it could have been longer cause he was just so humble and modest, and I love people like that. Anyway, we talked about the album and I even told him about how I made this blog because of him and he was like "Oh my God, you read my blog, that's so awesome! And you made one because of me, that's so cool. Inspiration man." And I was so giddy over meeting him, I forgot to talk to the drummer like I wanted lol. But I did get to talk to their guitarist Joey as well and he's awesome too. So yeah, after they finished signing we were able to get a picture with Joey and Stephen. (I pray it comes out good!) Anyway, after that, I picked up a sweet hoodie and t-shirt and then we had to wait like an hour for the concert to start. Jonezetta was first and the were ok. They had one or two good songs but they all seemed so repetitive. Anyway, Meg and Dia followed and they were SOOOOOOO bad. Oh my God, what a waste of time. Bayside was next and they were pretty bad too. And their fans are retarded. It was funny cause the Bayside fans were goin nuts but the people there just to see anberlin were like "What the fuck is wrong with these people? How can you be into this music?" I was pissed too though. The only Bayside song I like, "Blame It On Bad Luck" was pretty bad. (Check that song out by the way.) Finally, Anberlin came on! And they were great of course. Their set seemed a little short though, I guess it was only an hour, and we were all expecting it to be longer since they just put out an album and they were headlining and cause they hyped the shit out of this tour, so that bummed me a little. Afterwards I was pretty pissed cause I got a 31$ ticket for parking in a loading zone, so once again, I'm an idiot. But all in all it was a pretty good day and night. That is til I got home. I starting talking to my friend Amanda and we were talking about the concert and I mentioned how this new album was pretty religious and how I saw this girl praying behind me at the concert and how it sorta weirded me out. And she went on this tangent, it was sort of like a lecture about God and Christianity. And she was talking about the exact things that make me uncomfortable, which is probably mainly the one-track mindedness a lot of people have with religion and politics as well. And the reason it makes me uncomfortable, hell downright scares me, is because, think of how many wars and deaths have come from people who refused to see to see the other side of the picture. It's people who are too rooted in their beliefs that can be dangerous. Now I am a Christian, and proud of that. But I mean look at some of the things hardcore Christians around the world, and in this very country are doing. Condemning gays, alienating people who have abortions to name a few. It absolutely leads to madness and scares me like nothing else. So back to my conversation with Amanda. Ok so she's going on about this for like I donno, maybe half an hour, and some of the things she's saying are the things that worry me. But as I'm reading all this I'm torn between saying something as she pours her guts about her most inner beliefs, or sit there and freak out at the things I'm reading off my computer screen. So finally I say Can we change the subject and she's like yeah why didn't you just ask? And I'm like I didn't want to make you feel like I didn't care or anything and she's like Well ya just did, and then immediately signs off. So I'm feeling like a total jackass, even though I know I shouldn't cause I didn't do anything wrong and I was polite and everything. It's just me and Amanda were really close but haven't been for a long time, really not until a few weeks ago and we were having these great conversations and things were becoming like they were before and then this happened and I feel like things are all fucked up again. I certainly hope not. Later.

So I'm a College Boy!!!

Great news. After two college denials in one week, Cabrini College has accepted me for their fall semester. I'd love to be gracious and shit, but I'm so psyched. I know Cabrini isn't exactly world famous but this is a great feeling nonetheless and I don't care if it makes me cocky. Cabrini is located in Radnor, PA only 10 minutes from the gigantic King of Prussia Mall, which you may have heard of. (2nd biggest in the U.S.) Anyway, this is a major confidence boost and I'm feeling pretty good. Now for the bad news. I am seeing anberlin tomorrow night in Philly @ the Theater of Living Arts but my friend's friend is grounded and may or may not be able to go and my cousin had a freak allergic reaction and may also not be able to go. The tickets are non-refundable and this could be a serious dilemma. But I don't wanna feel depressed right now. Friendships are growing stronger by the day and I'm excited about that too. As for tonight, I'm going to a play at my school with my mom and a few friends. Hopefully all will work out tomorrow night and the concert plan will go off without a hitch. Cross your fingers with me. Over and out. - J Screez.

First Blog

So, this is my first blog and I just wanted a place to put some of my thoughts down. I've seen blogs other places and I've always been intrigued by them. They seem like online diaries which would seem to fit me perfectly. The only thing I'm afraid of is that I don't want this to become a place where I just bitch, even though I assume it will be. Anyway, the past couple days of my life have been hard. My mom is struggling and I got denied from two colleges in the same day, one of them being my first choice. It's my own fault for not doing better and I know that but going to college is what Ive wanted since before I can remember wanting it and even though I'm not really afraid of fucking up later in life like some of my peers are it's just that until like my sophomore year of high school I was so smart and did so well. Then I just started getting lazy and my grades fell a bit. Anyway, two days ago I was rejected from the University of Maryland and it was a serious reality check. I feel like all these things I've worked towards have gone to nothing. I was preparing to start my homework tonight and I was like "What's the point? What is this going towards?" I don't wanna make myself out to be a saint but I am a good kid. I help my mom, I'm always there for my friends, I don't smoke, I rarely drink, I hang out with the right kids...my whole life I've done the right things and now I'm questioning what is was for and it doesn't feel good. Anyone who's questioned themselves or their choices can relate I'm sure. It's been really hard to motivate myself lately when it's becoming more and more likely I will go to a college I don't even want to go to and be miserable. Luckily I have some good friends and family who have cheered me up a bit, enough to where I can put my bullshit aside and do what I need to. I'm just sorta afraid of failing and disappointing myself and my supporters, so to speak. Not little failures, of course, we all have those, but the big things, the big picture. All I can do, which is what I have tried to do, is say Fuck that, I know I'll be okay, because I'm James Dempsey. This is a set back and we all have them, but I know my brother Jason is watching over me and I know I can't fail him. He'd kick my ass if I did anyhow. Well, I guess enough's enough for round one of my blog. Signing off for now. Peace.