Rochambo

My current favorite song is "Rochambo" by Bayside. It's fast paced, has a catchy chorus, good hooks and is strong lyrically. Seems simple enough as to why I would like it so much. But not so fast. It seems that my brain may be picking up things subconsciously that I never even thought about. Perhaps there is much more to why I am listening to this song so frequently lately that goes beyond its surface characteristics. The chorus states that "It seems like we're all fighting to be more than who we are". If anything could sum up how I've been feeling lately, that'd be it. Recently, nothing seems good enough. Nothing I do or am doing, or nothing that is around me or in my life in general right now seems to be good enough, or even good at all. While that is admittedly a bit melodramatic to some extent, this period of my life really does appear to be a downward spiral. I feel like nothing I do is good enough, or ever will be. I set, and still maintain, such lofty goals for myself that lately I just feel destined for some sort of letdown. Financial burdens consume me on a day to day basis, and it seems like only more and more sacrifices can give me leeway, but it's just so much at this point, really too much. My life is in a rut right now, one that is very negative, and I've tried to ride out the storm, but while the storm may calm, while there are respites, it seems like what might be best for me now is a change. But changes don't come so easy, and are hard to control. Even harder still, what do I change? My, that's a dangerous question isn't it. I'd like to know, I suppose, but the answer to that question could yield terrifying results. But as a general note, it really does seem like many people try to be more than who they are, and I know that for me, especially lately, I just feel like I'm not learning enough, not doing enough, and just not living up to my potential in any aspect of my life. I probably shouldn't even be writing this, or at least not posting it. If I do, it's because initially I had good intentions for this, and didn't expect it to become such a whiny, negative examination of the current state of my affairs. If it is coming off that way, or even if it isn't, I don't want this to appear like a cry out for help to anyone who may end up reading this. On the other hand, while the world wide web may not be the best place to do this, this blog early on was a place for me to vent and bitch and be negative in general. So, if that works for me, and if someone does ever read this, I guess that should be okay. I mean, this blog is for me before others. I guess I just don't want this to be a place where I piss and moan all the time and people read about how down I feel on myself. After all, I do try and keep an upbeat persona. Or, actually I think facade is a better word than persona there. Yeah, change that to facade. Anyway, it just seems for me that it's easier to write about my problems than talk about them which is why this blog was previously so helpful for me, and why I wrote so frequently. I guess I shouldn't consider it a bad thing that I'm using this therapeutically, is it? I love the word therapeutic by the way. It just resonates the feel of calm and relaxation to me. I actually feel relief when I say or hear that word. Puts a smile on my face fo sho. Back to my point. Rochambo is the literal term for the game Rock, Paper, Scissors, and looking at this metaphorically, it almost seems as though this word, or the song itself (coming full circle to the start of my rant), is telling me to choose. But what?

Reviewing My Values: Patriotism

This past academic semester I pledged and was initiated into Alpha Sigma Phi Fraternity. Along with the opportunities presented to me of brotherhood and bettering the man, Alpha Sigma Phi also carries with them their five values: Silence, Honor, Purity, Charity, and Patriotism. These values were taught and in a way passed down to me, instilled through pledging, and I now try and guide my life by them. On a day unlike any we've ever seen in our great nation's history, I wanted to focus on one of my values: patriotism. It was on this day we saw our first African American President sworn in to office. He was welcomed with open arms, by the arms of a nation that was hurt, down on its luck and its spirits, and looking for change, and for hope. Today, this country put faith in a man, and they did so on a promise. A promise of hope. A promise that no doubt needed faith and belief in that very promise that was being made, and by who was making it. What I realized today as I watched the inauguration ceremonies on television, what made me reflect on my value of patriotism and what made me want to write this was that, today we as a nation opened our arms, our hearts, our minds, and our belief systems, to a man because we believed in him as a leader and as a source of change for our betterment. I felt so proud to be an American today and felt so optimistic about our future for the first time in a while. I felt this way because for the first time today I felt as though it was more important that Barack Obama would be our beacon of hope, our gaurdian from those that want to harm us, and our face of change rather than a black guy who was making history just for being President. Today I felt like he was making history for being an embodied, personified spirit of the change we want to, and need to believe in right now, and not simply making history just because he won as a minority, as momentous and important as that still is. I saw a nation that welcomed a President not for being different from them, but for being the same. For believing the same things they do, and for putting a trust in our government after many of us had lost that sense of trust, some maybe even vowing to never again renew that trust. Although I have known for some time that Obama has transcended race, I always felt that it was more important that he was our first black President rather than the right man for the job. I knew that wasn't right, that it wasn't the way it should be, but finally came the day when I saw a country truly stand behind a leader and let race go. Race should never matter. And that was what I saw today.

P.S. Before I sign off on this, I just want to mention that this made me happy for a few other reasons: if you're reading this, you probably assume by now I am a HUGE Barack supporter and have believed in him and this country's backing of him all along....Well, you couldn't be more wrong. While, yes it is true I was very anti-Bush, I was not entirely sold on Mr. Obama either. I voted for him mainly because of Joe Biden and his vast amount of experience with foreign affairs (which is what I thought was one of our most urgent issues) and also because I really did believe that McCain symbolized a sign of a monotony, that things would stay the same and he enable of adapting to find the modern solutions that we need to solve our modern problems. That being said, I know our problems are bigger than one man, and they won't be solved quickly, which is frankly why I was so skeptical of Obama during the campaigns. I felt like while he may not have been outright saying it, it seemed as though many of his supporters almost blindly believed that things WOULD all be solved right away and ALL by Mr. Obama, which made me nervous. Mr. Obama based his entire campaign on hope, and while hope can be a miraculous thing, it can also be a very dangerous thing. I was afraid that if things didn't improve right away, people would call for his head and this country would be even worse off than it is now. Fourtunately, I was finally able to believe that his change is possible, because of the amazing support shown by millions of Americans across the country today. And that's what made me so happy. While we may not have all agreed with his policies or his politics, we showed an overwhelming amount of support today that we as a nation want a change. And furthermore that we can change. We already have. Today I can believe in his change because I saw it for myself. I saw a nation that was hurting put aside their differences and stand behind a President, our leader, something we have not done as a majority since Spetmeber 11, 2001. One man can't solve all of our problems, but a nation reunited CAN make a change. I'm so proud to be an American today. Stand behind our President. Believe in America. That is when you will see the change. Today was Day One.


- Jimmy

I'm Just A Man

Although I hate doing this, I am going to start a new blog before finishing one I previously started. It was started ages ago anyway and seems like it will never be completed. Besides, I NEVER get the inspiration to write anymore and I do now so I figured I'd probably better seize it. Who knows when it will come again? I've decided to entitle this piece "I'm Just A Man" for two main reasons. Firstly, the title is inspired by (aka stolen) a song by The Classic Crime with the same name, and secondly because as I was singing the song a cappella to myself just a little bit ago and looking at the "Faces of Albright"(a program on Albright's website showcasing our 'best and brightest' I guess you could say; really it's more or less our more active student body) and I had this kind of paranormal thought, an epiphanic realization of sorts. I was looking at the student's blogs and info and reading these dreams and hopes and career plans, and I just kinda froze thinking to myself, "wow, look at how much is expected of us....look how much WE expect of us." We go through life with so much responsibility and ambition and as I was looking over these pedigrees it just dawned on me how it seems like most of us, and by most I mean nearly every single one of us, will always have to keep pushing forward, always have to answer to someone higher, always have to take on a new and more urgent and important responsibility and so on. I was reading these, mostly skimming really, just looking at the few word question and answers and catching a word or two in a paragraph but I realized that I think only one person of the maybe five or six people I looked at put that that they wanted to be happy in their future dreams or whatever it was. Actually, I think it may have even been my friend Brian Benusa. I was so happy when I saw that. Of the several faces I looked at, only one person cared enough about happiness in their future to write it down. Outstanding. I was so humbled by that though. Humbleness is my favorite quality in a person. When I'm around humble people, I feel humble myself, which is in turn a humbling feeling, no pun intend. Anyway, knowing myself, if I was asked a simple question like that, I'd probably give a simple answer, without even really thinking much about it. I'd probably talk about a job, a family, and money, but it's entirely possible happiness would be left out. I thought it was great that in this work-a-day world someone could still remember that whatever it is that they are doing in their future, even if life takes its twists and turns(which it will), that even if the best laid plans of mice and men do go a wry, that happiness still matters. Not your dream job or all the money in the world, but the humbleness of happiness. Anyway, I just went back to the Albright Faces page: of the 16 people I looked at, only two wrote happiness in their career goals, Brian Benusa and Christina Reimer. Now, before I go on, I don't want it to seem like I'm knocking these people at all, because that certainly isn't the case. As I said before, I probably wouldn't put happiness either. It was simply an observation I made. But moving on from that. Back to the whole "Just A Man" theme I was trying to follow but pretty much didn't at all. This has thus far just been ranting. I usually blog with an idea or format in mind, but this was just venting, so to speak. It's just when I was thinking to myself earlier, I realized that there is so much asked of us, despite how easy living in a country and society that is built like ours is, we never really seem to just simply be able to slow things down. I mean...I feel like, very helpless...and vulnerable a lot. Like there's so much I have to do but only so much that I can do, or that there are simply things I just can't do. I often feel like there is so much more expected of me than I will ever be able to reach. Is it okay if I don't reach all these expectations? Is it acceptable to just be myself, do the best I can and hope in the end that I am happy. That I'm happy with others. Others are happy for me. And I am happy for and with myself. Because I'm getting older, in a way, I am receiving increasing responsibilities and it seems like there is always going to be far more than I can handle. I think that is often the case for most of us. We are called upon to do more than we can and have to sacrifice more than we'd like to. I'm not sure what this was intended to mean, and I realize that this may even sound a bit naive, like I'm just realizing life is tough or something, but my meaning, which seems to elude me, is much more than that. I guess you could say that, for most people, our best case scenarios, hypothetically, would be to always have something to do. Always be busy, always be working. Most people would value constant ambition and I guess I'm commenting on how trapping that seems to me. This society, at least most of us in it, would look down upon someone who isn't employed, isn't "contributing to society", isn't doing more for someone else, and essentially not focusing on themselves or their happiness. Truly blessed are those who love what they do, but rare are people who love what they do and earn a decent living by it. Yet those who are happy with what they do, if they aren't "reaching their full potential", or are content with being minimalistic, are sen as lazy and even weak-willed. I guess I just feel that it's a shame that collectively we will value a cold hearted businessperson as better than a humble free thinker who works as a librarian, for example. I envy those above all else who are just happy with who they are and what they have. I'm not one of those people yet, but I strive to be like that more and more each day. I guess the best way to end this monologue, which is why I started it would be with a question, or maybe several: What happenes if I never meet my goals? What if I don't become a huge success? Is it okay to try your best even if the result is failure? Can I ever be as accepted for my efforts as for my achievements? Will I ever be able to meet others' expectations? Or even my own? What if I just do what I can and try my hardest to just be myself? Is it okay to be just a man? After all, I'm just a man.

"New" Poetry

Hey there anxious readers! Sorry, sometimes in order to motivate myself to write these blogs I have to convince myself someone other than me cares. As you can tell by how rarely I write them, it's often tough to do. Anyway, over break a friend of mine IMed me and told me how much she enjoyed the first set of poems she had read on my blog and that really meant a lot to me so I felt obligated, but more so compelled, to write new poems. After a few days of nothing but a bunch of balled up papers with scribble on them and a side of frustration, I decided to look and see if I could find any old poems. Luckily, as a good writer, or maybe I should say a smart writer, seeing as how I don't think I'm that good, anyway, as a smart writer does, I made sure to save a damn good amount of them. Now back then I didn't have notebooks entirely set aside for poetry as I do now, so a lot of what was in there was random thoughts, quotes, lyrics, whatever. But after weeding through and revising some, trying not to mess with them too much cause I like to think that poetry should express exactly how you felt at the moment when you wrote it, I've compiled a few I like a bit and think you guys will as well. The reason I titled this "new" poetry is because I think the most recent of these, is from like late 2006, but that's only one poem. These are mainly from 2005, sophomore year, just after my brother Jason died and Bethany and I broke up. So keep these things in mind as you read them. I'll stop talking now. And as always, I hope you guys like them!

Just So You Know (for Jason)

This is the day when the angels cry
Everyone in the room is asking why
Only twenty two and taken away
"It makes no sense" I heard them say

Today is truly a tragedy
One that is line with hidden beauty
I pray that we all can see
Jason's peace and serenity

I know he's at peace now
But when he's away from those who love him
I can only wonder how

I remember when I first heard the news
And I cried and screamed out loud
But I knew all was okay
When the very next day
A ray of sunlight broke through the clouds
I knew it was you
Smiling down at me
Saying take care of mom
That's how he'd want it to be

I want him to know that we all miss him dearly
And that I loved him sincerely
I want him to know how much I cared
Your loss to me is more than I can bare
I want you to know
I wish I was there more
And not complaining when mom had to go to the store
I wish you knew how much you meant to me
It's far more than anyone could see
I want you to know that to me you were a dad
And to lose you is to lose all I ever had
But I know that now you wouldn't want us to be sad
But to rejoice
I pray you hear my voice
So that one day
When I understand why
I can stand beside you
And look down from the sky

4/10/05

A Mid-Summer Night's Dream

Please, I need someone to grab my hand
Before I fall back through the sand
So don't hang up the phone
Don't leave me here alone
Cause I need you by my side
From now until the day I die
Through all the lows and all the highs
Without ever saying goodbye
And I'll never have to
Miss the chance to say I Love You
When we are together
From now til forever

7/12/05

Giving Up

He struggles internally
He knows it's not purposely
A daily anxiety
That's fuckin with his life
His wife
Concerned about the way he acts
His train is running off the tracks
She knows that this is a fact
She tries to talk to him
But he turns his back
The way the world did to him
He screams!
His dreams!
All faded away
His pain!
His shame!
He just wants to end this game
Everyday it gets worse
This curse
But he'll soon be in a hearse
Then a sound
So profound
A bullet to the head
Now he's under the ground
But as they mourn
He's reborn
To a heavenly light
The unrelenting fight
Is now out of sight
And with the day gone and went
He is now content
Near and far
With his place in the stars

7/13/05

I'm Sorry

The eternal question why
Pollutes the brain
A permanent stain
On your everyday life
Look towards strife
Look towards the knife
You don't know what to do
Too confused to react
Or cause an attraction
There's no satisfaction
For coming in last
A look to the past
Too painful to stare
Even worse when you glare
But as I glance
And I see my chance
Gone, faded away
This is what I live with
Every single day
Knowing that things could be different
If I didn't act that way
So I just wanted to say
That I'm sorry
For the things I did
And did not do
For fucking things up
And blaming it on you
For saying you weren't there
And that you didn't care
So please excuse me if I stare
As I sit here in my chair
And wish I was still there
Cause at times it is just too hard to bare
For all the times I got angry
When you didn't say you love me
I only needed perfection
And for that I'm sorry

Written roughly around 9/13/05

A Voiceless Cry

Another long night
Of sleepless rest
Constantly distressed
Wondering what's next
A voiceless cry
Echoes through the town
But did anyone hear it?
Did it even make a sound?
A midnight train
Storms through the streets
And as the clock strikes twelve
The people rise to their feet
The town comes alive
While others still sleep
"This is our time to fight
These are our rights to keep"
A lonely empire
Shaken to its core
And as the people push forth
They scream "No more!"
"No more oppression
And no more hate
This is our night to live
No longer will we wait!"
And so it's told
That the people did prevail
They seized the night
They did not fail
And as the people triumphed
Beaming with glory
It did bring to an end
This most heroic story

5/3/06

Dream On

Another day passed
And I didn't say a word
Another chance gone
If only she had heard
I know I wanted to tell her
But I wasn't all that sure
This illness that resides in me
Is there any cure?
I guess there's no way to know
I'm running out of time
And places to go
Every night as I ly in bed
Every single thought I have races through my head
Depriving me of sleep
Taking away my dreams
That should be mine to keep
As I lay awake at night
I know every inch of my ceiling by heart
It tears me apart
I stare at the windows
Watching the sun shine in
Is there no end?
Another night of sleep is lost
What's the cost?
When I go to bed at night
My mind is too filled with all my worries
All my anxieties
All my priorities
The questions fill my head
Give me cause for dread
I think of ones before me
And ones long gone
And as I lay down at night
I wish to dream on

5/4/06

You

I'll be your best friend
Stay with you til the end
I'll die for you
And I'll cry with you
I'll laugh with you
I'll carry you
I'll pick you up
When you are down
I'll run away with you
Away from this town
I'll take chances with you
I'll dance with you
I'll pick up the phone
When you're all alone
And I'll tell you I'm there for you
I'll care for you
I'll share with you
I'll spend those rainy nights with you
I'll talk with you
And I'll walk with you
I'll always let you know
That I'm in love with you
I'll ly with you
I'll sigh with you
I'll ride with you
And I'll drive for you
I'll stay up late for you
And I will wait for you
I'll hold you
And I'll grow old with you
I'll sit with you
I won't ever quit on you
I wouldn't say a word
And I wouldn't mind at all
If I could do these things with you

5/5/06

Continuity

You said you left your phone behind
So that you could pick it up another time
Could you please be so kind
And just get out of my life
All you do is pain me
Drain me
And that's not all
You use me
Confuse me
And cut holes right through me
I just don't know why you put up these walls
Just return the fucking calls
Pick up the phone
And relieve your heart of stone

7/26/06

Leaving You

Don't tell me what I already know
Don't turn around and go
When everything's in the air
I just want to know you care
And that you'll be there
Even though you weren't before
When you left me behind
You must have covered my eyes
Cause I swear I was blind
I couldn't believe you
Leaving me alone
Never picking up the phone
As I sat at home
Now as things appeared to be alright
You leave again
Into the dark of the night
Once again out of sight
I wanna be with you
But you're making it a fight
And just as this ends
It starts up again
The distance
The silence
The longing for you
But you care not for me
And this is clearly seen as true
I need you no longer
Throughout I grew stronger
And now I depart
Feeling as though I've wronged her

7/29/06

5 A.M. Requiem

A calming breeze
That whistles through the trees
Passes over the town
But as the people sleep sound
A boy lies awake
His bed offers nothing
Night in and night out
He continues his suffering
It's a girl on his mind
Time after time
He makes himself think
His eyes so focused
He can't even blink
The walls are closing in
He's lost his only friend
What he thought was the beginning
Now looks to be the end
Again

8/4/06

Hope you guys like them. More coming soon!

Albright: Home of Squirrels and Chain-Smoking Asians

Sup errybody. I was just reading some of my older blogs and figured it was time to write a new one. I wonder if Chelsea will read this one? In the event she is....Hey Chelsea. It was nice seeing you this weekend. I coulda said something mean there but she's way meaner than me and woulda said something to top my comment that would have made me cry. I just found out that the world's oldest blogger turned 108 today. God damn! Ok. Enough stupid talk. Things at Albright are going full speed now. Midterms were last week and sucked, but I did well from the grades I've seen so far. I figured this week would be chill after midterms but no. Three more papers between today and Monday. Lacrosse practices started again today. It felt good to pick up my stick again and play with some of the guys up here. Fast forward to November 20th at 3:30 in the morning. I told Dave Albright I'd finish this blog today so I intend to. In about, 10 hours I'll be on my way home for Thanksgiving break. I can't wait. It's been so long since I've seen family and it feels like forever. Up here things are well. Yesterday was the first snow of the season! It looked amazing. School has gone well too. I have a 96 in music and an 81 in psych, both which I'm pretty happy with. Everything aside I guess things are going pretty well. I haven't been too homesick for friends, I guess that's a good thing. Maybe not? Finals are coming up but that's not really phasing me. My sights are set on this week with friends and family and then jumping ahead to winter break to finally have some down time. It's probably been over a month since I started this stupid blog and like 4 lines later I'm struggling to find more to say. There really are no updates. Maybe there are but I'm sick and thoughts aren't getting through. I really hope there's more than I'm remembering. I'd hate to think my life is this complacent. If it is, I'll need someone to keep up with it. That's funny to me cause I'm a nerd. I read my senior yearbook over the past couple days. I really hope I can look back at that years from now and say I still talk to those people. Ok. It's 3:30 again. This time in the afternoon though. I'm driving with my cousin Chris through the motherland, thats Drexel Hill, PA for y'all that don't know. Good Life by Kanye is playing and it's good to be home. He's job hunting and I'm trying to get this freakin' update done. After this we'll probably chill and watch the Da Vinci Code before a nice homemade meal. It's nice to have that security blanket that is the love of a family wrapped around you again. Jimmy Rollins won the MVP today. That helped lift my spirits too. Umm, this post has been really boring so far. I guess that why I can never finish them and write them so infrequently. Sad as it is my most interesting blogs are when I'm all emo and depressed. I guess it's not so bad though. It helps get stuff off my chest and it makes for a good read. Hopefully I'll be mopey as shit for my next entry. Just kidding. That's all for now. Til next time everyone,

- Jimmy

J High School (is in college?!)

Hey what's up everybody? Sorry for the lack on updates, but I just got my laptop in today. Not having a computer for 3 weeks sucked beyond imagine. It felt like 3 years. I doubt I'd have the time to blog anyway, life up here is so hectic. I'm always doing something from like 9 in the morning til probably 9 at night. Luckily since today is a Wednesday I have time to play around with this sexy new laptop, cause I only have one class on Thursdays and it's at 2:30! Really though this laptop has been a lot of work. It's been a while since I've had to set up a computer all over again. Re-doing iTunes has been a bitch. I'm only like 5 or 6 CDs in with like 100 or so left, maybe more. Plus I found out that most colleges, I'm not sure but guessing that Albright included, highly frown upon downloading music, and even though I don't download a lot, I need to in order to get some of the songs I previously downloaded onto my new iTunes. Anywho, college thus far has been such a roller coaster ride. So many up and downs. I mean, I really like it here, it reminds me of home (home being PA that is) and the campus and a lot of the mountainous surroundings are gorgeous, in my opinion, and very inspiring. Dusk here, at least thus far, in this season, is one of the beautiful things I've seen in a long while. Yesterday was really shitty but I just watched as the sun set, and a blood red sky faded into the darkness. I think I could watch that every night of my life and be content. Anyway, the down side is that I don't know anyone here and finding friends has been harder than I would have anticipated. I forgot that around strangers I have a paralyzing shyness and that's made some days up here lonely. What's happening a lot which maybe isn't so surprising, but still something I really didn't expect, is I'm missing people A LOT. I'd be wouldn't be lying if I said I didn't miss my brother everyday, but I wouldn't exactly be telling the truth either. Because there honestly are some days when I just don't think about him. That certainly doesn't mean I don't miss him any less, does it? I damn sure hope not. Anyway, like I was saying I find that I'm missing my friends and family a lot. I don't think a day has gone by where I haven't thought about my mom and cousins and my brother, or even my friends back in DE. It's scary because I feel like now that college is here, a lot of people I cared about in high school don't care anymore, just cause we're separated, and it sucks cause I sometimes dwell on those thoughts. Like I have a lot of people from high school I'd like to say I'm still friends with 50 years from now, but it's entirely possible I won't be able to say that five years from now. I'm really missing people like Kenny, Joey, and Steve alot, people whom I have known a while and good foundations with. But what scares me is that aside from Sloany, Kenny, and Toby, I'm not sure how many close friends I'll keep, and that's something that can keep me up at night. On top of that, I can't seem to keep myself from thinking about Amanda up here. I think it's not so much that I still like her, but I've learned something about myself recently: it is extremely hard for me to get serious with a girl now. I've noticed that when I start getting feelings now, I can't quite show that trust, so I back away, and the only successful interactions I can see myself having with girls up here, are shallow, meaningless existences where no feelings are really brought up, because if they are I'll either refuse to give her the chance, or the more likely option, I'll go all in and lose another round, making the fall that much further. Another thing I've realized, well for some time actually, which I hate, is that I can't just be friends with Amanda, not so long as I like her, so as much as I wanna call her and say sorry for all this wasted time, let's not have that ever again, I can't, cause I'll fall for her again in two seconds. So I avoid her. I avoid her in the hopes that with passing time my feelings will fade and we can just have a normal, healthy friendship. But they never do and I'm left here with nothing I can do about it but wait it out some more. I cross my fingers in the hope that this negativity will pass and that my bleak outlook on the future of my friendships, and possible relationships here aren't to come true. I know it's within me to change these outcomes but I simply don't know where to start, or how to for that matter. Any suggestions? Til next time,
- Jimmy.

Weening Off Friends

It's the strangest thing. In 1 month and 2 days, I leave the only thing I've known for the last....let's say 8 years. Delaware. Eww, right? A place I couldn't wait to leave from the moment I got here. And now as I prepare to take my next step in life, I noticed that I'm doing something that many have done before me, maybe without even giving it a second thought or realizing they were doing it. I'm weening off friends. And I just realized how little sense it makes. I guess I never noticed it because this is the way it's supposed to be? I mean, I figured, you graduate high school and some stay, some go, and that's the way it is. And I don't know if maybe it's cause I have shitty friends, or just cause we've been programmed to think that if someone is leaving for school, that's the end of the friendship? I'm moving to Reading, Pennsylvania to attend school at Albright College and it's only 1:30-2 hours away. There's no discernible reason why I shouldn't be able to stay in touch with most of the people I already do, but it seems like I'm going to be cut out of almost everybody's life and it sucks. Fast forward to August 20. I've really gotta get better at finishing these in a timely manner. But I suppose for a post like this it works well, this topic I mean. I leave in 3 days and I've recently gotten to say a lot of goodbyes which has been great, emotional, but great, and I'm feeling confident that I can maintain more friendships than I thought when I started writing this nearly a month ago. But this new hope is really only making me feel more naive. I doubt I'll talk to Ed or Rabi much anymore. Or the Whitesides. I mean these people weren't really close friends but it still sucks. I got to hang out with Caymen and Joey the other day and I had a blast but I also got the feeling I won't stay close with them. I doubt I'll see much of, or even talk much to, several people I was close to including Becca, Kelly, Dan, Austin, Steve, and Amanda, even though Amanda's a different story completely. I was left behind by her a long time ago, I just didn't really know it. As of right now I feel like I'm only leaving with 3 good friends, Kenny, Toby, and Kyle, and I don't see Kyle much now as it is. I don't know if it's as serious as trust issues, or just apathy, (which actually is pretty serious in my case as well), but I feel like I could remain friends with all these people if I just call every now and again to say hi or whatever, but it's my fear that they won't care or the bigger fact that I don't think any of these people I listed would call me first. I feel like if I never called any of these people again, they wouldn't think to call me either, that's a pretty abandoned feeling. It comes back to the fact that for as long as I've been friends with someone, I've always had to initiate it and keep it going, and I guess I've become embittered because I can't remember the last person I've really cared about who I hadn't talked to in awhile who contacted me to see me or ask how I was. I guess it's silly or whatever, but I hate continuing to be the one who's responsible to save the friendship. It would ensure that it's alive and well, but it would continue me feeling like they never gave a shit, and is that someone I still want to talk to? This point of view has kept me from getting too close to anyone since Junior year and it is still going. It's ruined friendships and now that I'm leaving it seems as though it will undoubtedly ruin more. Don't become like me and leave behind what's so very important. Sincerely, James Dempsey.