A Serious Mistake

Why is it whenever something is going good for me, whether I control it or not, something always goes wrong for me. This isn't coincidence, or cases of luck, it's more like a curse. Most times it's out of my hands, but you'd think when I could avoid screwing myself over I would, but I guess I'm just not that smart. I knew I shouldn't have even have brought this up to Amanda, but stupid as I am I did, and not only did I tell her I liked her, I really poured my heart out. I told her everything. The things I only dreamed I'd say. I really wish if I did have a guardian angel, he'd have been there to smack me over the head as I was saying this. God, I'm so stupid. Twice I've done this, twice! Jesus, you think I would have learned my lesson the first time but no. Now everything is fucked up again. I'd really like to not be bitter and continue on like nothing happened, but I'm not made like that, but I feel like if I don't let this go, that will only make things worse, but by the same token, why should I have to feel like I need to let this go? I have every right to be upset, even if it's not at her. She did what she had to and that's understandable but when I talked to her I kept getting two sides of the stories, which means one was a lie. And she seemed pretty damn certain she didn't wanna be with me today, and if you already know that, then there's really nothing to think about, is there? I mean, you know when you like someone, and you know when you don't, so I don't understand why she took three days to tell me she didn't like me if it was something she already knew. And I'd really love to tell her all this but when ever I tell her how I feel, it always ends up for the worst, so why would this time be any different? And I already know I'll stop talking to her, and I'll just sulk and be quiet around her, cause I have no right to be mad at her for not liking me, but still, I mean, I ain't gonna run up to her tomorrow like I'm her best fuckin friend. And if that's what she expects, she's got another thing coming, cause that whole great friendship we had, that she was banking so much on, well now that's gone and square one doesn't even exist. So now one of two things will happen. One, she'll ignore me back; or two, she'll treat me like a pity case like she did tonight, and be like oh, I didn't wanna hurt you, I feel the same pain as you...bullshit! I donno, I just can't see this working out well at all. And I feel like if anyone who knew this situation were to read this, they'd probably think I was crazy, going so nuts over a girl I never had and never will have, but this just further goes to show that really no one understands me at that school, not even the one person I thought who did. What a surprise, I was wrong again. Wrong like always. These stupid fuckin things never change for me. I'm sick of being a loser, and already knowing the outcome of what will happen to me every time, cause it always has been, and seemingly always will be, a loss. In school, with girls, in sports, in my own family, and in life in general. In the words of Funeral for a Friend, "I'm sick, and I'm tired, of always being the good guy." Good guys finish last and I'm a perfect example of that and I don't wanna be anymore. God, I really feel like this is the straw that broke the camel's back, else I wouldn't be saying all this. The name of my blog is An Inner Truth Revealed, and that's all I'm doing right now; I'm being truthful to myself and to anyone who may ever read this. As I'm writing this I feel like, like I'm making too much of this, that I'm being a baby, but I mean is that really what it is to have feelings and then be let down by them? I hate how I'm expected to carry this alpha male ego and demeanor all the time. That's not who I am and it never has been, yet people think that every guy is supposed to be like that, same as women being expected to be perfectly dainty and feminine. That's a stupid stereotype too. I sorta feel bad for her. If she's as bad at relationships as she claims, she'll probably end up dating a bunch of assholes again, realizing it was stupid way too late. I hope not even though I really shouldn't care. Man, this really was a pick-me-up writing this. I feel like I've gotten so much off my chest just now. As for Amanda, we'll just wait and see what happens.