A Serious Mistake

Why is it whenever something is going good for me, whether I control it or not, something always goes wrong for me. This isn't coincidence, or cases of luck, it's more like a curse. Most times it's out of my hands, but you'd think when I could avoid screwing myself over I would, but I guess I'm just not that smart. I knew I shouldn't have even have brought this up to Amanda, but stupid as I am I did, and not only did I tell her I liked her, I really poured my heart out. I told her everything. The things I only dreamed I'd say. I really wish if I did have a guardian angel, he'd have been there to smack me over the head as I was saying this. God, I'm so stupid. Twice I've done this, twice! Jesus, you think I would have learned my lesson the first time but no. Now everything is fucked up again. I'd really like to not be bitter and continue on like nothing happened, but I'm not made like that, but I feel like if I don't let this go, that will only make things worse, but by the same token, why should I have to feel like I need to let this go? I have every right to be upset, even if it's not at her. She did what she had to and that's understandable but when I talked to her I kept getting two sides of the stories, which means one was a lie. And she seemed pretty damn certain she didn't wanna be with me today, and if you already know that, then there's really nothing to think about, is there? I mean, you know when you like someone, and you know when you don't, so I don't understand why she took three days to tell me she didn't like me if it was something she already knew. And I'd really love to tell her all this but when ever I tell her how I feel, it always ends up for the worst, so why would this time be any different? And I already know I'll stop talking to her, and I'll just sulk and be quiet around her, cause I have no right to be mad at her for not liking me, but still, I mean, I ain't gonna run up to her tomorrow like I'm her best fuckin friend. And if that's what she expects, she's got another thing coming, cause that whole great friendship we had, that she was banking so much on, well now that's gone and square one doesn't even exist. So now one of two things will happen. One, she'll ignore me back; or two, she'll treat me like a pity case like she did tonight, and be like oh, I didn't wanna hurt you, I feel the same pain as you...bullshit! I donno, I just can't see this working out well at all. And I feel like if anyone who knew this situation were to read this, they'd probably think I was crazy, going so nuts over a girl I never had and never will have, but this just further goes to show that really no one understands me at that school, not even the one person I thought who did. What a surprise, I was wrong again. Wrong like always. These stupid fuckin things never change for me. I'm sick of being a loser, and already knowing the outcome of what will happen to me every time, cause it always has been, and seemingly always will be, a loss. In school, with girls, in sports, in my own family, and in life in general. In the words of Funeral for a Friend, "I'm sick, and I'm tired, of always being the good guy." Good guys finish last and I'm a perfect example of that and I don't wanna be anymore. God, I really feel like this is the straw that broke the camel's back, else I wouldn't be saying all this. The name of my blog is An Inner Truth Revealed, and that's all I'm doing right now; I'm being truthful to myself and to anyone who may ever read this. As I'm writing this I feel like, like I'm making too much of this, that I'm being a baby, but I mean is that really what it is to have feelings and then be let down by them? I hate how I'm expected to carry this alpha male ego and demeanor all the time. That's not who I am and it never has been, yet people think that every guy is supposed to be like that, same as women being expected to be perfectly dainty and feminine. That's a stupid stereotype too. I sorta feel bad for her. If she's as bad at relationships as she claims, she'll probably end up dating a bunch of assholes again, realizing it was stupid way too late. I hope not even though I really shouldn't care. Man, this really was a pick-me-up writing this. I feel like I've gotten so much off my chest just now. As for Amanda, we'll just wait and see what happens.

"Say Hello To Haggard"

What's up everybody. It's Sunday, March 11, and I'm really not feelin' this whole losing an hour thing. I guess that's partly to do with me being so beat. Friday was a tough practice, and most of the time I was at Amanda's I was lying down and like groaning, or something. Anywho, Saturday was I guess a chill practice, I don't remember too well. I'm pretty sure I can safely say that all practices are pretty tough on me, what with the whole being out of shape thing. Saturday night was grrrrrreat though. (Sorry for the whole Tony the Tiger thing.) Me and Marc went to the "Say Hello To Haggard" tour and it was one of the best shows I've been to in a while. It was at this small place here in Delaware called the Harmony Grange, and I really liked it, despite hearing not one good comment about it previously. It was small and quaint, and very chill and relaxing. A really nice place to listen to music. And I loved the fact I didn't have to drive up to Philly to see a band I liked! (It's sad but that is so exciting for me, cause I'm ALWAYS the fuckin driver.) The crowd was amazingly small, probably not even 100 people. But I loved it. It wasn't like most concerts where you sweat balls and you have no room to move. As soon as I got in I picked up a new Classic Crime shirt. I felt so dumb, cause I usually know my bands pretty well, but I didn't even realize that the guy who sold me the shirt was The Classic Crime's guitarist Justin. He was really down to Earth and cool to talk to. I just wish I'd realized it earlier, cause the whole time I was talking to him we were talking about the band and how great they are and then he's just like "oh yeah, I'm in the band by the way." And I'm like ah jeez! I feel like such an idiot now. But he was totally cool about it and we kept talking a little while longer, and after their set too! So as for the actual concert, the first band on was a local band called "Stranded on Third" and even though I get a little irritated seeing bands I really don't want to, they were pretty good, so much so I would have bought a CD only I was broke. Next on was Sullivan, the worst band of the night, mainly cause I couldn't hear what the fuck the singer was saying. Also, he reminded me of a character out of Dr. Seuss, it's hard to explain other than that, you had to have seen it. Also, the singer was just weird. Half way through the first song, he took my UD hat and wore it for the rest of the song. I was nervous I wouldn't get it back. And through the rest of the set he kept grabbing this one girl's head. Not making this up. So quietdrive was on next and they were pretty good too. Marc even bought their CD. It was sweet cause they closed with "Rise from the Ashes" and I love that song and it was pretty good live. Next was The Classic Crime. Oh...my...god!!! This was my third time seeing them and it blew the other two times right out of the water. SOOO good. And during the song "Say the Word" the lead singer Matt pointed me out as I was singing and pointing back at him and I was like OMG ME?!?!?! I get so giddy around the bands I like. Afterwards I talked to the guys and Matt was like "You were my guy out there" since I knew all the words. I'm such a loser I probably blushed. I wish I knew they were hanging out afterwards. I woulda brought my camera or my CD to get signed. But they were still cool. I talked to Matt about how cool I thought it was for the work he's done in India and he was surprised I even knew or cared. Last up was A Change of Pace, who I wasn't expecting much of but were really x 10 good. The songs "I'm Alive" and "War in your Bedroom" were especially good and their light show was sick. The singer was really talented too. He had such a wide range, he had great screaming parts, and he could also hit the soft notes. I was so mad that I couldn't buy one of their CDs but I only had a dollar on me and Marc didn't have enough so I left with just the memory of a great set by them fresh in my mind. Oh well. All in all it was a great concert and a great night. Peace.

The End of an Era?

It's Tuesday, March 2nd, and I'm here in Psych class. Well, we're in the computer lab now and we just took an IQ test. I got a 125, which I'm pretty happy with. Anyway, lacrosse started yesterday and it was so intense. I'm questioning whether or not I can make it through the season. Chuck started freaking out yesterday when I practically keeled over, not being able to breathe. But it's something I wanna stick with. I don't like quitters and I don't wanna be one. Jump ahead now to March 7th. Wow, I've taken a lot of time in between this. In my defense, I have been rather busy. Lacrosse is in full effect, and it seems to be a lot harder than last year. I swear it feels like my coaches hate me. They're so obsessed with how fit a person is, which is important I know, but they don't even really care how well a person can play the sport. I feel I've grown a lot in the sport, in all areas, and I feel like they haven't noticed at all. Oh well. It's only like a week in and I have plenty of time to get into better shape and work harder, basically do all those little things I have to do to get their attention. Things are hectic at the house and I have like no free time. It all goes towards homework, or if I'm lucky, sleep. Also, it feels like, for the first time really, high school is coming to an end. Classes are growing meaningless, I don't care to do assignments, and I feel like friendships are coming to an end. This sucks. It's weird but a part of me REALLY wants to burn all my bridges, and start completely fresh somewhere else, like a whole new life. It's a bit of a scary thought, but I'm not even sure I've ruled it out yet. It's now Friday the 9th and I just got back from Amanda's. I can't shake this feeling like things aren't the same between us and they never will be again. I'd like to tell myself it's all in my head, but when I feel it weighing down on my chest like an anvil on a daily basis, well how can I be that naive? It's clear that things are different now and I hate that. I hate how I have this inability to change things, or make a move into a different direction. Sometimes, I feel like I haven't grown at all in my 4 years of high school. This is so stupid and frustrating. I know I should just talk to her about all this, but I can't. It's such a burden to carry but I guess I have to? I don't even know anymore. I only hope that this somehow all works out for the best and things can be...good, and normal, and regular, and all these basic things I can't even remember anymore. Is that so much to ask for? I got accepted into Albright College yesterday and Salisbury University today...wanted to make sure to squeeze that in lol. But maybe one of these places can be somewhere to start over anew. Peace and love.