Ask Yourself

I decided to entitle this post "Ask Yourself" because besides the fact that I couldn't think of a better title, it was the message Anberlin's lead singer Stephen Christian wrote in my "Cities" lyric book. I'm not entirely sure what he meant by it, but as I saw it again today, I figured it really is something we should all do from time to time. Ask ourselves the questions that apply to where we are in life, that maybe we feel we need answered, or the ones we've just been too downright scared to ask oueselves before. I'm at a crossroads in my life for the first time since before I can honestly remember. Maybe for the first time since my brother passed? I can't say for sure. But March is two days away and high school is rapidly dwindling. With future's becoming more clear, school growing less important by the day, and for me, with lacrosse starting, Thursday could very well be the beginning of the end of an era. Weird. Anyway, back to being at a crossroads. Lacrosse is starting, high school is ending, and college will be here before I know it. And I have one question that I'm really thinking hard about, and oddly enough, it should be a question where the answer shouldn't require much thinking, but I ask myself "How do I feel about all this?" Sometimes I tend to under appreciate things and really all I've thought about since like sophomore year is "When am I getting out of here?" Sophomore year was rough. And now that day is staring me in the face and I don't even know how to feel about it. I keep worrying that I'm gonna go to college realizing high school wasn't so bad and worse than that, that I didn't do anything with my time there. I feel like I've burned some bridges with people that I didn't want to or mean to, and I'm feeling alone as ever, at least right now I am. Trust is so important. I've lost that in others and it shows, even though I just realized it. I worry that when I get to college I will have missed opportunities that I can't get back. I have this feeling, there's this one thing I want to do before high school is over, and I feel like if I don't do it I'll regret it forever. I attempted it once, and it fucked so many things up, which is why I'm so hesitant to try it again, but I don't know if I can carry this "What if" feeling with me for forever. Again my fear of trust comes up again. I don't have a lot of people I keep close with and I ask myself, "Should I put my trust in these people to keep up with me after high school?" I have some friendships I really don't want to lose, like with Amanda, Toby, and Kenny mainly, and others I'd like to build on, like with Joey, Chelsea, and even Becca. She's always cheered me up. Then there's people like Steve and Dan. People who were my best friends and yet I barely talk to anymore. I guess these things happen a lot but then I ask myself "Why do they have to?" I always feel like when it comes to any type of relationship whether it's with your boyfriend/girlfriend, friend, or family, if the relationship is really worth a damn, one person will stand up for it. I've become afraid to do that because I've learned from past experiences that doesn't always work, cause maybe the other person really didn't care and in turn, I've become too scared, or too stubborn to stick up for the right ones. If anyone ever reads this, they'll know who they are. I guess all I can do is wait and see. Sometimes when it comes to relationships, more often than not in my opinion, you have to just step back and see where it will take you. I do believe that the things that are meant to be happen for a reason, not on coincidence. Hopefully all will work out for the best. Wow it's late. I better wrap this up. Later.